JAPANESQUE

i was feeling good........

den i felt lousy.........

den i felt good again............

den i felt lousy again..............

all in the span of 5hrs.

wonderful.

i felt good and raring to party

den i was disappointed.

BUT i reconciled with the fact and felt, "NEVERMIND!" there's always another day.

felt good abt work and had fun mixing choyatini albeit serving w ice

felt good abt self.

BUT was flung into bitterness of reality, "HEY!" u're not so welcome or well-liked anymore.

u have no idea of dinner today. nuthing mentioned by pple u just msged today.

WOW. and yes mambo was just a spontatneous idea no u guys din meet for dinner before that.

maybe i shld help i feel so un-part of psycho anymore.

i was showering n thinking of a post: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME, union camp would be one of the times i'd go back to.

and then wad do i find out aft my 'happy shower'?

but well, despite trying to go for lunch every weds. pple still dun find me familiar maybe. im a fucking phantom?

dinner plans not in my favour?

"sorry, cant please everybody"

sorry ive got work. sorry ive got hall stuff. sorry im busy. sorry i tried to go for lunch often. but no im still OFF. im still out.

im hurt i was never told. even tho i see them ard.

perhaps its just my fault.

for being too involved in hall.

i tot it wld be a respite.

but guess not. doesnt seem like it coming back to an empty room in a long empty hallway.

wadever i do i kinda of always screw up somewhere?

isn't it?

im just, you noe, insignificant. somehow.

i tried.

its not like i havent talked to them in a while.

i had lunch with them last week, the week before, the week before before before.

oh well. guess that one odd hr in a week doesnt account to anything.

i wanted quite badly to go for the dinner.

but no, "sorry, cant please everybody"

i think u mean, "everybody impt can make it for tt day, ure insignificant u dun have to come".

i had training.

train train train but still, not enuff. nv enuff. ull miss some and ull feel bad.

bryna always toked abt sacrifices.

i sacrifice some, i dun gain any.

wad shld i do then?

be a phantom? and only appear when there's food and fun? incurring my own wrath?

den ill b able to go for dinners and outings and pple wun conveniently forget me when they u noe, like organize stuff. or just pass a fakely innocent reply.

be involved. super.
den wad? neglect everybody else out of hall because like i still have to work coz im broke?
not like pple will remember.not like pple will care.not like pple will like u.

so wad shld i do?

i dunoe man. seems like everything i do goes wrong somehow.

and i feel worst den every single person i did wrong.

why am i so weak?why do i tear more often now?

i tink im losing confidence, ounce by ounce.

small little blow may be nuthing. but replacement is even slower.

'natural resources' depleting.

all signs of weakness.

which i fucking hate.

wad the fuck am i becoming?

im gonna fucking hate myself pretty soon.

fuck and guess wad i used to hate pple who hates themselves.

wad happened to encouraging pple?

i noe, nobody to encourage me!

aha. u fucking stupid weak piece of shit.

get a fucking grip.

dun make me hate you.