JAPANESQUE

i feel like i've been a lousy person of late..

i have so much to catch up on, i dont noe where to start. and very often, i lack motivation to.

i desperately wan to do an internship in december, desperately need money and desperately need to pull up my cap to attempt honours.

in the process, i would admit i have neglected frens yet again. I feel so bad that i have not spoken to Bryna in ages. I dun ever seem to bump into her on MSN..n the last few times she was the one to call me.

i feel bad that i have a truckload of emails from my Japanese friends to reply. but i am always procastinating.

i am happy that i have improved tennis-wise, but i dun dare to speak too loud abt it because i am afraid to hurt feelings.

i am happy to b playing well but disappointed that they still dont think much abt it which makes me feel i have more to work on n nothing to be happy about.

i am happy to be able to play with u guys again but i worry about snide remarks and unhappiness. i wan to be a part, not apart.

i am happy that my Japanese report was chosen to be shown to the class, but i am extremely worried abt my overall results because everybody seem to be doing really well.

i am pleased that i have been able to participate in tutorial discussions and concentrate in lectures but there is an incessant nagging worry at the back of my head. a failure to catch up on my readings and probably not be able to do well for the finals again.

i was extremely happy that DnD was well done, but there is yet another incessant worry that i did not do a good job at all. that pple have nt been happy let alone impressed by me. i doubt i am capable or well liked enuff.

i am constantly afraid of how the pple ard me see me. not all the pple tho, but pple who matter. at times, i feel loved and content but at the slightest nudge or sign of displeasure, i panic and worry

that they are unhappy about me.

i probably should disregard all these. but they matter to me. it matters.

i sometimes wish they will say it in my face, yet i am afraid to face the music.

am i really that bad?

i seem to be unable to say no.

i wan to feel good about myself, but whenever i start to feel to, something pops out to eat away at me.

so i guess, i need to revamp myself, be nicer, more humble, capable.

yet.even with all these. i may still get vibes of unhappiness.

so wad do i do?

live in a climate of fear and worry?

cant life just be sweets and cotton candy?why do lemon bitter drops have to ascendingly appear when things start to look brighter.

i need sleep. but i cant. yet. i have not done enuff. i will never do enuff. will never be good enuff.

i wan to say, 'hey look at yourself' at these pple, n say what i think you yourself cld have done better, that at some pt of time, you did the same to me but i just did not voice it out because hey, we're human. i can hurt, but i will heal. no pt making u feel bad about it.

but when these words, face, tone, are used on me. all my instinctive reactions scream "IT'S MY OWN FAULT, MY BAD"

yeap. instinctively, my bad.

happy?