JAPANESQUE

Theatre Snob?


*warning emo post ahead. read at own risk

so, I think im a theatre snob. i watch plays and criticise/comment on them. most of the time, i only criticise those student performances. i've seen some good ones, some bad ones. nothing is perfect until they get to the big stage, i.e esplanade, dbs arts centre blah.

funny thing is? i actually dun watch enuff public plays to really call myself a theatre enthusiast. (cheapo la and broke most of the time).

in any case, why does this warrant a lengthy post on its own. i'll tell you why.



i cannot justify my own theatre snob-ness.


i feel like i have nothing to show for all the crap that i say? yes, A level cert in TSD but so what? i've NEVER done a production tt plays to more than 300 people. I've NEVER acted/directed/participated in anything that lasted beyond an hour.

how to be a theatre snob like that?

with no credentials im just an empty vessel. so being an empty vessel theatre snob is a pain in the ass.

fark man this sucks so bad because ultimately, i think im just jealous. jealous of all these people who have the chance and i don't. when i think i deserve it better than they do.

see, if i wasnt a theatre snob, i would have been able to live with it easily. coz i would gladly concede that i'm not good enuff. that's why i dun get such chances, thats why i dun get chosen.

yet, i give myself more credit than i deserve. i think im better than them all or at least i would def be able to give it a better shot. and then when truth slaps me in the face, when they get chosen and i dont, it just hurts so bad when whatever you're so proud of turns out to be sandcastles in the air.

life would be so much easier if i wasnt a theatre snob. i guess i'd just have to tune myself to think that way more. when i was talking to you just now, there came a fleeting moment i managed to succeed in imagining i had no theatre experience at all and that i'm a noob and the result of that was sweet release. i felt liberated. it felt good.

because i hate to have to carry a huge burden, a blimp on the back of my mind all the time that eats at my conscience. that i cannot be happy for you for doing a great job because i'm jealous. im jealous because i think im better than you yet you are the one getting all the chances to shine brighter than i ever will.

there, i've said it. the root of the problem. the crux of it all. this is the glimpse into my evil, selfish,jealous mind and im sorry for the way things turn out. im sorry i cant be absolutely happy for you because all i want is to be part of the action but i can never. all i can do is stand and watch afar while you do all the things i crave to do.

i sound like i have such a tiny heart, like im such a horrible person who cannot let go. maybe i am, or maybe it is just something i can never let go until i find a second chance to make things right. but well, now i know at least one channel's closed to me now.

im sorry to put you through all these all over again. even as you go abt doing somthing you love. something you can put 200% in and yet i cannot give you my blessings. it troubles me that i cant give you my blessings too you know? makes me feel like such a closeted myopic person. everything that i dont wanna be.

i dunnoe how to make things better. its not you its me. its a thorn in my heart i can only heal myself. and knowing you, i think u'd rather stay away from it as much as possible. i dun blame you. its a whole shit sticky mess that should have been cleaned up long ago but has unfortunately been left to clot and build up.

the cleaning process is tough. but what would help for sure is if i could edge closer to the action. to be where my heart desires. you could have lead me there more often but you didnt. maybe it never occured to you. oh well. too bad.

its too late now to say anything really. good luck.

im sorry im such a horrible person.