JAPANESQUE

Hi world

It's me again... I'm back from the dead...
For all my years having this blog, I have come to realize one thing: I most definitely blog the most when I am upset. 

Not to say if I don't blog my life is necessarily sunny n bright but well, I really do kinda blog only when I need to get things off my chest, which makes this not a very nice blog to visit.
It's essentially an outlet for me to lay out my emotions for myself to see
N of coz for some (if any) of my close frens still read this space, for them to hear my sad story n perhaps lend a comforting shoulder.

So here goes, 
This post is abt my recently ended 4 yr relationship.
It happened about 2 mths back, after I came back from my supposed self-discovery trip frm japan.
When I was there it was bliss. I loved blending into the crowd, pretending I was one of them. It was empowering n I felt like I cld be alone n basically that my current relationship did not offer any additional benefits to my life.

I guess it was because over the year we started working, our relationship has More or less been reduced to that of routine, of gg out on weekends n basic phone calls on weekdays. Even the things we talked abt, became centered ard work n I personally felt I had to act more like a punching bag where he poured forth his work frustrations n I felt as tho that was all he cared abt, since usually our conversations would start w him complaining abt his day n then after a while came back to me but by then I'd alr have been in no mood to tok abt work.
In all honestly I dun like to tok abt work frustrations. Not that I dun like it per say but I am actually qt lazy to have to share stories all over again.. ESP if they were not pleasant. So I guess that's where we differed n After a while I can't remember when or how it started but I jus started to be bitter n annoyed abt it all. Thinking u dun care abt me n dun ask me abt my work first. N every other little details started to matter more like the frequency of him coming to pick me up after work being too little, activities over the weekend being too routine n mundane I would think he's not putting in the effort.
That plus a history of not ever doing much in hall made me rethink our relationship.
I felt I needed more excitement in my life n to have that, more exciting weekends at more exotic locations and activities. 
Unfortunately, he was nt one who knew places. N being my usual idiot traditionalist/ ironically conventional female self, I hesitated to put forth suggestions instead coz I AM THE GIRL n Tts THE GUYs JOB.
So things jus started downspiralling. Our fren was right the problem with us was communication. I failed to express, maybe even recognize that I was dissatisfied and on his own, he didn't notice either. I think one of the fatal flaws in me, that caused the death of this relationship were the management of my expectations. Often too much I expected him to know what I want. To read my mind even, instead of jus laying it out on the table.

N why r things so clear now?
Becoz since officially breaking up, My mind has been playing tricks on me by replaying all the happier times together. These happier times were mostly times in hall, times where we would jus sit around after a long day at work n watch tv, maybe play a bit of thrashy games. Do those activities suggest we purely jus enjoyed each others' company? Or was it the shows that were entertaining I guess I would nv Noe but as much as I had yearned for romance n excitement, these seemingly mundane moments were those that I ended up missing the most.

It says a few things about this relationship I think
1) we did not go out enough 
Since most of the happier times were in one place -hall instead of some romantic spot. A point I could pick on for sure n I think I did, at one point or another in the relationship. Honestly at that point of time, there was no unwillingly n minimal unhappiness abt not going anywhere. 
But I guess maybe work changed all that, plus we no longer had that private space of our own n I was nv really comfortable at ur place.
2) if these selective recollection of memories are of testimony to anything, it would tell a lot about how comfortable we were with each other. N how much we could enjoy each others company. 
Which was why we even got together in the first place.

What is the point of all these??
Well, it's been 2 mths n while I have been trying to occupy my time going out with fren after fren, I cannot shake off the old habit of thinking about u. Especially when i failed to occupy myself with something or another, I'd think about u. About what u were doing and stuff.

Well I guess that's pretty normal for anybody who's been together for so many years.

Even when we agreed to part ways, I didn't think things would be any different, that we could still hang out like usual jus that we were not a couple anymore.
Guess that could have been toxic but I sought comfort in those reassuring images that arrangement could have brought. 

But now that things doesn't not seem to be taking that path anymore and if anything u seem to be drifting away from me, my heart feels like it's getting broken all over again. Does this mean I still love u? I won't say I don't love any more but I think more than anything, the thought of losing that easy companionship, tot that all those happy times will soon diminish into history tears me apart. 
The thought of u moving on scares n upsets me. I can't imagine never being able to jus pick up the phone n u'll be there with a 'hi baby' or even holding me n stroking my hair when I cry. I guess when we said goodbye at the foot of my flat that day there was still a hope that we could do what we used to do without all the expectations and pressure to perform but as the days go by and u stop contacting me as u used to, that hope diminishes and fades away. 
Knowing all over again that I am no longer your baby seems to be killing me even tho as logic goes, I was the one who wanted this, n so I should not be upset by this piece of news. 

Probably years from now I would look back at this post n smile at history or I could also n cursing n swearing at my own decisions.
Knowing either course of direction doesn't not help lessen the pain now anyways.
All I want now is jus for u to hold me n tell me everything is going to be okay.
I Noe logically, that perhaps even if we were to get back together, it is possible that things may end up the same way again, especially since I can't seem to be satisfied with what you have to offer. 
A part of me jus want to be selfish and reckless and say u owe me that much not to move on that fast. 
But that of coz is not fair either.
I don't know if I could be content jus to hear u reassure me now that hey, I still do love you n I am not over you yet as well. But I guess that beats thinking that we're all the end of a chapter now.